Strife: Overcoming Conflict and Pursuing Peace

Strife is more than a moment of disagreement – it is ongoing conflict that scars relationships, divides families and dishonours Christ. This article looks at what causes strife, how to stop it before it takes root, and how to become a peacemaker who pursues peace God's way.

What Strife Is

Strife is a strong and ongoing conflict over a fundamental issue, often involving bitterness and sometimes violence, that focuses more on vengeance than on justice or the resolution of the matter. Strife alienates friends; within families it divides and can lead to lifelong emotional scars; between nations war can result; and among believers, the church's testimony is tarnished and Christ is dishonoured.

The cause of strife is underlying sin, with pride a major contributor – "...the evil desires at war within you" (Prov 13:10; Jas 4:1). Other reasons include an unteachable spirit in one or both parties, and unmet expectations that leave people feeling threatened, ignored or overlooked.

Too often we take our frustrations out on others – the unmet desires and disappointments we carry inside find an outlet in sharp words and short tempers, and those closest to us bear the brunt. When people fail to meet our expectations, we feel wronged and respond in kind, and strife is sparked. The remedy is tolerance and forgiveness: making allowance for each other's faults, remembering how much we have been forgiven (Col 3:13; Eph 4:31-32). Where we might have demanded, we choose to overlook; where we might have retaliated, we choose to forgive – and the fuel of strife is removed before the fire can catch.

Left unaddressed, strife feeds on itself: each exchange hardens positions, small grievances are remembered and replayed, and the issue at the centre is soon forgotten in the struggle to win. What began as a difference of opinion becomes a battle of wills that no one really wanted – and that everyone ends up losing.

Where there is strife, there is pride – Proverbs 13:10

Stopping Strife Early

Anger and frustration cause many emotionally harmful words to be hastily spoken, sometimes accompanied by physical abuse. These can leave lasting wounds on the victim's heart, for our words have in them the power to give or take life (Prov 18:21). Words spoken in anger cut deeper than we imagine. They can echo in a person's mind for years, quietly shaping how they see themselves, how they trust others, and even how they relate to God. A remark may be forgotten by the one who spoke it within the hour, yet carried by the one who heard it for a lifetime. Rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov 12:18). The same small tongue that is "a fire, a world of evil" (Jas 3:5-6) is also able, by God's grace, to build others up and bring healing to the very wounds it once caused (Eph 4:29). Choosing to speak life is not merely good manners. It is a spiritual discipline, and a safeguard against the strife we are called to avoid.

Endeavour not to let any disagreement get out of hand: stop strife before it starts, and "Don't meddle in another's quarrel" (Prov 17:14, 20:3, 26:17). With self-control, tolerance and a willingness to see things from the other's perspective, seek to resolve the issue while it is still in its early stages – not waiting for it to grow and cause irreparable damage, for strife destroys others (2 Cor 12:20; Gal 5:15).

The Bible says not to provoke another or quarrel; rather, do what leads to peace, being mature and secure enough to overlook insults, because strife is a fruit of the old nature (Prov 12:16, 19:11; Rom 13:13, 14:19; Gal 5:19-20,26; 2 Tim 2:24). Ask: is this really worth losing a friend over? In a month's time will this seemingly major issue of not seeing eye to eye still hold any significance?

If a principle of Scripture is being questioned it should be addressed and defended with an attitude of humility – not to prove you are right, but seeking reconciliation. And our emphasis should be on meeting our responsibilities to others, rather than demanding our own rights are met.

It is important to know which battles to engage in, and which to overlook. Discern what really matters. Stand firm on matters of truth and principle, but overlook personal slights and preferences – for it is a person's glory to overlook an offence (Prov 19:11). Not every disagreement deserves a fight. Wisdom lies in knowing the difference.

Choosing the Path of Peace

Peace usually requires someone to take the humble first step. Abraham took the initiative to avoid further strife by giving the choice of land to his younger nephew, Lot, who (to his own detriment) picked what appeared to be the best and easiest option for himself (Gen 13:8-13). Isaac, rather than quarrelling about the two wells his servants had already dug, moved on to a third, for the sake of peace (Gen 26:19-22).

Blessed are the peacemakers – Matthew 5:9

Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers" – those who actively try to resolve hostilities (Mt 5:9). He Himself established peace between God and us because of our sin (Rom 5:1), so the peacemaker is simply following in His steps.

The gospel will bring peace to the individual, yet often division within the extended family – if some are not Christians – because of the differing values (Mt 10:21,34-36). The God-honouring response should be one of love and seeking reconciliation, standing firm in truth without ever being the one to stoke the conflict.

Even committed believers can clash. Although Paul and Barnabas sharply disagreed, it seems they later resolved the issue and worked harmoniously together (Act 15:36-40; 1 Cor 9:6; Col 4:10; Phm 1:24) – proof that a divided past need not be the final word.

Reflection and Application

Before a disagreement hardens, ask: is this really worth losing a friend over?
Overlook minor insults with humility, instead of proving a point.
Take the humble first step toward reconciliation, even at personal cost.
Stop strife early – resolve issues before they grow and cause irreparable damage.