Intimacy: Drawing Near to God, Others, and Our Spouse

Intimacy is an enjoyable, heart-connection experience of being in the company of another, opening ourselves to each other without regard for the time expended. It is a two-way relationship involving transparency and vulnerability, often through words and physical contact. Intimacy can be expressed as 'in-to-me-see'—not involving facts and formalities, but the heart's passion in which the focus is unhurried togetherness. Through open communication, we are enriched with increased emotional wellbeing and security because of the personal association. Any fear of rejection is replaced by trust and goodwill. We determine the degree of connection we have with others and especially the Lord, who is always reaching out to us.

Intimacy with God

For Christians, intimacy with God should be our first and greatest priority and ongoing life's goal. He is a Spirit, and thus to be intimate with Him we need to connect our spirit to His. Worship exposes ourselves to God, and as we encounter Him we are changed. Through Bible study and meditation, communing prayer, being conscious of His presence with us during the day, and living uprightly, we nurture that close connection to 'the vine,' for it is only then life can flow and fruit come (Jn 15:4-5).

The Holy Spirit within us can easily be offended by wrongdoing, so when we sin we lose the conscious awareness of God's presence and hand on our lives (Gen 3:6-8; Ps 5:4; Ezek 39:23-24). Maybe I need to rekindle the fervour of the first love I had for Jesus when I became a Christian and only wanted to be in His presence. What am I prepared to give up to reach, restore, and retain close intimacy with God? Although our ministry and efforts for His Kingdom are important, He would rather we give Him our heart first (2 Cor 8:5).

We determine how close we get to Jesus

Pornography and impure imagination are particularly destructive to intimacy with God. They train the heart to consume others rather than to love them, and they grieve the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. When the mind is filled with forbidden images, it becomes difficult to hear God's voice or rest in His presence. What we feed our imagination shapes what we worship; impure visualisation turns our affections away from the Lord and toward selfish fantasy. True intimacy with God requires not only devotional practices but also a ruthless honesty about what we allow ourselves to see and imagine.

It is as we reach out and touch Jesus that we are made whole. The church has been so focused on seeking gifts, ministry, and experiences but missed Jesus. We receive the promises from God through Jesus, the originator and completer of our faith (Act 2:33: Heb 12:2).

Intimacy with Other People and Friends

On the human level, intimacy takes many forms. Children should receive affectionate closeness and bonding from birth to develop healthy self-esteem, with this non-sexual family closeness continuing through life. Do people observe us as a family in love with each other, or just putting up with the situation with no real connection between the different members? Healthy family and friendship intimacy is marked by transparency, encouragement, and a shared commitment to honour God.

With friends, both within and outside the Kingdom of God, caution and wisdom must be exercised in the physical demonstration of intimacy, and what is spoken. Many have fallen into moral sin through unwise association and being in compromising situations. Solid boundaries of integrity with children and those of the opposite sex must not be breached. Soul ties are ungodly mental connections that can form when we allow our hearts to become inappropriately entangled.

Know and keep within the boundaries God gives us

Jesus taught that not just the act of adultery was sin, as the Old Testament stated (Ex 20:14), but so was the lustful thought (Mt 5:28). This is why we are to keep our thoughts under control at all times, for out of the heart, the innermost being, come evil thoughts (Prov 4:23; Mt 15:18–19).

Pornography also distorts the way we relate to friends and even to strangers. It teaches the mind to see people as objects for consumption rather than image-bearers of God to be honoured. This habit of impure visualisation can erode trust, make healthy friendships feel threatening, and create unrealistic expectations of others. It can also open the door to ungodly soul ties, as fantasy binds the heart to people and images outside of God's design. Walking in purity before God protects our friendships and preserves our capacity for genuine, selfless connection.

Intimacy in Marriage

Within marriage, physical union is considered the ultimate expression of intimacy, yet emotional closeness should typify the relationship through 'oneness' of heart at all times, not just in the bedroom. Our marriage partner is to be the only one who knows us in the sexual context. From the opening pages of Scripture, God declares that a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (Gen 2:24). This is not a casual joining but a covenant bond, a living picture of the covenant love between Christ and His people—faithful, sacrificial, and joyfully committed (Eph 5:25-32).

Husband and wife are called to mirror this same love. Their intimacy is meant to be faithful, not fleeting; sacrificial, not selfish; committed, not conditional. Because marital intimacy is so deeply good, it must also be carefully guarded. Pornography is one of the most destructive forces against this covenant. It introduces third-party images into the sacred space meant for one spouse alone, training the mind to compare, consume, and fantasise rather than to love and cherish. It promises pleasure but delivers shame, distance, and a dulling of desire for the real relationship God has given.

Marriage intimacy mirrors Christ's faithful covenant love

We do not passively receive thoughts; we choose which ones to entertain and which to reject in obedience to Christ. Intrusive memories, tempting images, or selfish fantasies pull the heart away from the spouse God has given. The apostle Paul writes, "Take every thought captive to obey Christ" (2 Cor 10:5). In marriage, this means refusing to let the mind become a playground for lust, comparison, or bitterness.

In the fight for purity, God has not left us without help. He has given us His Word as a lamp and a guard for the soul. "How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word" (Ps 119:9). This applies equally to husbands and wives. Scripture is the safeguard that renews the mind and directs the heart toward holiness. When impure images have been stored in the memory, God's Word is the cleansing stream that washes them away and redirects desire toward our spouse. Guarding against sin is only one side of holiness; the other is cultivating a mind filled with what is excellent. "Whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise—think about these things" (Phil 4:8). We can choose to visualise our spouse with honour, to dwell on what is true and good, and to reject every image that dishonours the marriage covenant.

Wisdom also calls us to be practical. "Where no fuel is, the fire goes out" (Prov 26:20). To protect the fire of holy love in our marriages, we must be careful not to feed the fires of temptation. This means putting clear distance between ourselves and pornography in all its forms—online images, suggestive media, erotic literature, or anything that stirs unlawful desire. It means limiting media that shapes our affections away from purity and refusing habits that make sin feel normal.

Do all you can to protect and strengthen your marriage

For those who have fallen, repentance is the doorway back to intimacy. Confession to God, and where appropriate to a trusted believer or spouse, breaks shame's power and opens the way for restoration. Starving sin of fuel is not about fear; it is about freedom. Every source of temptation removed is one less voice whispering against our covenant. Every boundary kept is a gift to our spouse, a declaration that our love is worth protecting.

Reflection and Application:

Examine your heart: what priority does intimacy with God have in your daily life, and what impure images or fantasies might need to be surrendered to draw closer to Him?
Consider your friendships and media habits: are you seeing people as image-bearers of God, or has impure visualisation trained you to consume them?
In your marriage, take every thought captive to Christ. Replace comparison, lust, and pornography-driven fantasy with gratitude and honour for your spouse.
Choose one practical boundary this week—such as an internet filter, accountability partner, or media fast—that will starve impurity of fuel and protect your closest relationships.