Self-Rejection – Feeling Not Wanted

Self-rejection whispers that we are unwanted and without worth. This article looks at where those feelings come from, the bondage they produce, and how God's acceptance of us in Christ sets us free to accept ourselves.

The Nature of Self-Rejection

Feelings of self-rejection contribute to low self-esteem. They may have originated in early childhood experiences, particularly where there was an unplanned pregnancy, or they may result from a parent walking out. Being let down by a significant person in our lives, or betrayal by a spouse, are among other causes. The mental torment from events like these holds many people in bondage, as do the painful, negative and critical messages directed at us that damage our sensitive emotions and spirits.

Whether the wound came from others or from our own conclusions, the effect is the same: we quietly agree with the verdict that we are not wanted, and we live as though it were true.

The Fruit of Self-Rejection

The devil's line of attack always involves our thoughts. He doesn't want us to accept God's design of us, nor live for Him, dismissing the evil assaults and offences from the Satanic world. Left unchallenged, rejection breeds self-hatred, constant comparison with others and withdrawal from the very relationships in which God could heal us (2 Cor 10:12). Their destructive power must be counteracted with what is positive and uplifting, otherwise these competing influences that are harmful to our personality will keep us from experiencing freedom in Christ.

In our fallen, damaged humanity we by default take the negative approach. The heart is inclined toward evil from youth (Gen 8:21) and deceitful above all things (Jer 17:9), so our unguarded thoughts naturally gravitate to the critical and the gloomy: we replay the hurts, discount the compliments and magnify the faults while overlooking the blessings. This downward pull is not the truth about us, however – it is simply the well-worn groove of the old nature, and like any groove it can be retrained. God calls us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2), deliberately setting our thoughts on whatever is true, honourable, right, pure, lovely and admirable (Phil 4:8), and taking every thought captive to obey Christ (2 Cor 10:5). What the old nature does by default, grace teaches us to do by design.

The Cure for Self-Rejection

Our value is not based on warped human opinions, including our own, rather on God's. He loves us so much that He gave Jesus to die and pay the penalty for our sin, He adopts us into His family, gives the Holy Spirit to live in us and promises He will never leave us (Rom 5:8, 8:11,15-17; Heb 13:5).

Who am I to reject what God has made in His image? – Genesis 1:27

All destructive thoughts and lies of Satan must be challenged with the truth of God's Word, such as "There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus…God chose us in Christ…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…" (Rom 8:1; Eph 1:4-5; Phil 1:6). We need to reclaim what the enemy has taken from us and bring our thoughts into line with Christ's (2 Cor 10:4-5).

So align yourself fully with Christ and resist the devil, not yourself (Jas 4:7; 1 Jn 3:8). "By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me hasn't been wasted" (1 Cor 15:10). Thank God for the way He has made you, for the transformation that has already taken place, and trust Him for what is yet to come as you willingly accept the various physical features and human traits that make you (uniquely) who you are.

We all do things that we regret, and feel like losers at times, yet we must forgive ourselves – Jesus does when we confess our sin (1 Jn 1:9). We can't change the past, only learn from it, so focus all your energies on what is ahead. Correct or work on the aspects of your life you can change, while recognizing the unchangeable defects (when accepted by faith from a loving God) are necessary to build the message of God into your life, developing positive inward qualities.

We determine whether life’s experiences undermine us or contribute to our growth

Co-operate with 'the potter' to become a 'vessel of honour', not one to be rejected (Isa 45:9; Rom 9:20-21; 2 Tim 2:20-21). God uses the defects and scars we experience in life, regardless of their source (Isa 61:2-3). Satan's aim is to use these adverse experiences to destroy us (Jn 10:10); refuse his purpose and allow God to use them instead for your enrichment (Gen 50:20; Rom 8:28).

Reflection and Application:

Each morning, affirm God's acceptance of you: "By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me hasn't been wasted".
Write down the critical messages you have believed about yourself, and replace each one with God's truth.
When you fail, confess it, receive God's forgiveness and forgive yourself, then press on toward what lies ahead.
Ask God to show you how one unchangeable trait or past scar can be used to build His message into your life, and thank Him for it.