Self-Pity – When Life Is Not Going My Way

Self-pity sets in when things stop going our way: discouragement is dressed up as a grievance, self takes the centre of our world, and hardship is read as unfairness. This article considers the nature of that attitude, the fruit it produces, and the cure.

The Nature of Self-Pity

Self-pity happens when things are not going my way, so trying to justify my attitudes and actions in my carnal mind, I get discouraged and feel sorry for myself. Tiredness, stress, hassles, strained relationships, criticism and being taken advantage of accentuate these negative, pessimistic thoughts.

When we are experiencing hardship or injustices and begin to complain "why me – it's not fair", we are saying to God that what He has allowed is not reasonable (Isa 45:9). Yet trials are the means of development and refinement if we learn and grow through them by responding correctly, rather than trying to get out of them or retaliate, for the truth is "All things work together for good to them that love God" (Rom 8:28). The numerous, daily challenges to our faith and Christian character give us opportunities to gain the victory over self-pity as we 'die' to ourselves.

A great antidote to self-pity is "I will bless the Lord at all times" – Psalm 34:1

Left unchecked, self-pity absorbs us in self. Our attention turns inward as we brood over the injury, replaying the wrong and mourning our misfortune, until we are wholly taken up with our own hurt. Yet this absorption blinds us to the true question: instead of asking what this issue is doing to me, we should be asking what God can accomplish in my character through it. The very trial we resent is the instrument He uses to develop perseverance, refine our faith and form Christlike qualities in us (Jas 1:2-4; 1 Pet 1:6-7). When we lift our eyes from self to see His purpose in the issue, self-pity loses its grip and the hardship becomes a workshop rather than a wound.

The Fruit of Self-Pity

When Martha complained, "Don't you care, Jesus, the load is unbearable", He told her to get a proper perspective on things, and change her attitude (Lk 10:38-42).

A limited understanding of God's ways sometimes leads to self-pity. "I have done right but it counts for nothing..." said David, but when he entered God's presence he saw things from a new perspective (Ps 73:12-13,17).

At other times, being ignored or overlooked may lead to the festering of wrong attitudes. To cling to attitudes of resentment and self-pity can rebound with unexpected consequences (Est 3:2-6, 5:9-14, 7:9-10).

The Cure for Self-Pity

However, remember we won't get what we do deserve (which is hell because of our sin), so the outlook is not as bleak as it would be otherwise. Focus on the good, positive factors, and who represents you, not what opposes you (Rom 8:31; Phil 4:8; 1 Jn 4:4).

For a Christian, self is not to be the centre of our world, Christ is to be the focus. If self is dominant, God is not. In trust and confidence claim the words of Scripture, "He will fulfill His purpose for me", for "my times are in your hands" (Ps 31:15, 138:8). Commit yourself to God, allow Him to outwork His plans, and acknowledge His presence with you (Ps 23:3, 37:5; Prov 16:3). God sees and hears even if others don't – rest assured He has your interests at heart, for He died for you. Like David, encourage yourself – "Why are you cast down, my soul? Put your hope in God" (Ps 42:5,11).

The remedy is only effective if followed

Reflection and Application:

Catch the "why me?" thought early and replace it with thanksgiving before it takes root.
When overlooked or treated unfairly, remember God sees and hears – He died for you.
Identify one current trial and ask what God is developing in you through it.
Begin each day declaring, "I will bless the Lord at all times" (Ps 34:1), and list three reasons to.